Whenever we communicate, through words or body language (non-verbal communication), we communicate much more than just what we want to say – we communicate the real meaning to us. The way we say things, can sometimes be heard as hurtful, because how we say it, says it all. Would be one of those who hear this: “The tone you used said something else than your words.” Why do we sometimes have a tone? Because there is a lot behind it. Sometimes stuff happened in the past that hurt and when we are reminded of that hurt, we say stuff, but with a tone that can be picked up by the most innocent person. I call it “Communication-Scars” of the past. By using old hurts as the deeper meaning of what we say, we can hurt people.
Yesterday I gave three ways not to heal from communication-scars of the past.
- Mistake: I will receive love if I hide my faults, stuff my feelings, look good, become popular, give gifts, flatter those around me and am always willing to please or help others.
- Mistake: I will have significance if I deny my failures, seem superior, dominate, judge and criticize others, point out faults, do well, get attention or impress others.
- Mistake: I will be secure if I hide my fears, deny my anger, avoid conflict, shade the truth, withhold trust, dodge vulnerability, require certain conditions and, above all, stay in control. Philippians 2:3–5
Now a few more ways not to heal from communication-scars of the past:
- Mistake: Since I want to seem perfect, but know I am not, it is often easier to avoid communication. I don’t want others to see that I am anxious, fearful, hurting, angry, concerned or experiencing failure. The following rationalisations are defense mechanisms we often use to avoid revealing “the real me” to our loved ones:
What good would it do to talk about it? Why start an argument? I can handle this on my own. I don’t want to worry her. I’m uncomfortable talking about my problems. We didn’t talk about these kinds of things in our family. I’m probably too sensitive. Humor is the best way to avoid sensitive subjects. I don’t have an outgoing personality. Women are supposed to be more expressive than men.
To heal your basic belief system:
Your willingness to become a more loving communicator will be dependent on your basic belief system. You may think you want to develop closer, more honest relationships, but if your emotions still need confirmation from others, your communication might be self-focused and insincere.
Mistake: “I feel unworthy and inadequate. If I let others know who I really am, I risk their disapproval and rejection.” This thinking may cause the following results: low self-worth, apathy, bitterness, selfishness, insecurity, anger, resentment, pride.
Correct way: My heart overflows with love, significance and security in the Lord Jesus Christ. I don’t need the approval and acceptance of others to have a God-given sense of self-worth. Therefore, I am free to communicate honestly and openly with others. This assurance lead to: a heart that can be honest before God, a heart that can be honest with others, a heart that can see the needs of others more clearly, a heart that can communicate God’s love to others more openly. Romans 15:7 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Allowing Jesus to heal you deep inside will help: The motivation to withdraw to be bitter and blame, to use silence or shame, to interrupt and complain is changed to …
The motivation to reach out to listen with care, to be loving and fair, to serve others and share!