Whenever conflict happens, most of the times there are very good reasons for it. The most important reason is unmet needs. God created us with three inner needs – The need for love, significance, and security. It can also be further described as the need to feel heard and understood, to feel encouraged and at peace, to feel affirmed and accepted, and to feel confident and courageous. When these needs get twisted it can become negative and change into the need to be superior.
Unmet needs can become the driving force behind why we act the way we act when we are faced with a conflict. The challenge, of course, is to find a way to get our legitimate needs met legitimately rather than illegitimately, and that can be accomplished only through a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”(2 Peter 1:3)
People who are attackers in conflict most of the time feel insignificant and therefore A few examples: Children who grow up feeling insignificant within their families typically become driven by the need to feel significant. This drive can result in finding destructive ways of meeting this need. Children who feel powerless can develop aggressive tactics to overpower others and become fiercely competitive to feel like true “winners” … they become dictatorial to feel powerful. Thus, their need to feel significant is met temporarily. Children who grow up regularly experiencing “put-downs” and are the target of belittling comments may become driven by the need to overcome feelings of inferiority and may also become behind-the-scene back-biters and spread rumours. Children who don’t feel valuable typically can develop a negative attitude. Making constant complaints is a way to get the ear of others, leaving these newly developed hornets feeling valuable enough to be heard and understood … temporarily.
People who avoid conflict feel insecure most of the time. Their goal is to feel safe, accepted, and confident. For example: Children who grow up in homes where anger is unrestrained and conflict goes unresolved and where little positive occurs typically become driven by the need for peace. Children who don’t feel “safe” typically make being safe their life goal, seeking to protect themselves from “danger.” By turning inward and emotionally walling themselves off from others, they only feel temporarily safe. Children who grow up with criticism and negative feedback from significant adults in their lives and who don’t receive compliments and praise typically become driven by the need for acceptance and may become classic people-pleasers to keep everyone happy so as not to be criticized or rejected. Children who grow up with an overprotective, controlling parent, and who have no firm boundaries or personal accountability for their actions, typically become driven by the need for confidence.
When we come with all our needs to God, He will provide. Philippians 4:19 “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Sometimes its hard to accept this promise and people need help with their ingrained habits to fulfill their needs. A good counsellor will be able to help with this and connect you with the promise of God to fulfill all your needs.